Superman.

To all outlaws and lawyers ... To all Gentiles and Jews ... To all children and scholars ... To all things terrestrial:

I want to be crucified sideways, so that I can be read over quickly, from left to right, like a pitiful paperback novella. I want to be crucified at the school. I want an ordained minister or, better yet, an ordained art historian to drive the final stake through my skull, slowly, with an offensively somber smile on his face. This event will be open to the public. All proceeds will be donated to Burger King. Personality tests to be administered at the door. Admission: $5.00, bring your own beer. Singing and dancing: encouraged, but optional. There will be a barbecue out back after dark. Bring your friends, family and pets, and please recycle all aluminum cans. For amateur insect-enthusiasts: annual firefly count to take place on same night. Camp-out sleep-over. There will be ghost stories. Plenty of hot dogs. Lights out early. Bring tents, pillows, midnight snacks, and prescription sleep aids. Burial at daybreak. Event of the year. Be there.

In case of rain, event will take place at Toys 'R' Us.